Manic

What a manic couple of days. It looks doubtful that I'll officially complete my 100 kilometre challenge on Strava but I know in my head that I've definitely completed it with all the rushing around I've done this past couple of days.

First and foremost, my absence has nothing to do with the vaccination. Seriously not one side effect - not even the sore arm. Not. Even. The. Sore. Arm. And put it this way, I was so worried about the lack of side effects (don't judge me, I know how daft that sounds) that I actually Googled it. Because the vaccination is meant to trigger an immune response, and I have just been waiting, my senses heightened, looking for something; a chill, a fever, a headache, a stomach ache, a sore arm, flu symptoms, cold symptoms. My concern was, if an immune response hasn't been triggered, does this means that the vaccination hasn't 'worked'? It was good to see that I am not alone in the lack of response, and also, that I'm not the only person who had a lack of response to the jab and has asked this question. They do say there are no stupid questions, don't they? 

Secondly, Mr G has been called back into work. This has been met with mixed emotions. Very mixed emotions indeed. It's a difficult situation to have to navigate right now. It's hard to put your own feelings to one side, what you personally perceive as utter selfishness by some people. I try not to do anything right now that puts anyone else at risk. Even if that risk is minimal. 

But on the other hand, if we want life to go on, if we want things to return back to some sort of normality, even if that is a new normal, then life has to go on. Schools and colleges have to reopen, businesses have to reopen, shops have to reopen, cinemas have to reopen, pubs and restaurants and hotels have to reopen. Sporting events, theatrical productions and concerts have to resume. Some of it we will have no say in, but a lot of it we will, it's just a case of how much risk we are prepared to take. For example, our children may have to go back to school but we don't have to take them on holiday this summer. We may have to go back into work but we may choose not to go into pubs or see a concert right now. Some people will embrace life and do everything, some people will be very selective and do a mental risk assessment before undertaking anything for a long time. I fall in the latter category there. 

We weighed up the pros and cons of vaccination and decided that we wanted to have it. As far as we are concerned, we have given ourselves the best chance of surviving this virus should we catch it. Others may not agree, and only history will tell, I guess, who was right. So, coupled with a sensible approach to life, not living in fear, but not being bloody stupid either, keeping our distance and maintaining high levels of hygiene, and our lives will have to start to go on. There are things that I am desperate to do - like attend our outdoor rugby matches again. There are things that I couldn't give two hoots about if I could never do again - like go to a cinema. Everyone's desires and wants are different.

Thirdly. I have applied for a job. It was completely, completely out of the blue. I even shocked myself in doing it. As usual, I am overthinking it. Over analysing it. I'm veering from 'why the hell have I applied for a job that I haven't done before' to 'what the hell do I do if I actually get it?'. I might not even get an interview, but... But, again. Why shouldn't I? Because I could do the job, with training. It's not completely out of my league. I haven't applied for a degree level post in a subject that is alien to me. I'm reasonably intelligent. Anyway, it's done, the application and my CV have been submitted, and I have also taken the assessment test that the company have required me to take alongside my application. Time will tell, I guess. But I have this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach; it's fear, I know that. But whether that's fear of being rejected, or fear of not being rejected, I don't know which it is right now. Fear of giving up my safe, cosy existence as just a housewife and Mum. I know I can do that well, I've done it for nearly 26 years. But can I break out of my comfort zone and do something else instead or do something else alongside? Can I cope with a job on top of this? I really need to do some soul searching and inner work on myself about this. It's just a complete lack of confidence in myself. I may need to return to college in September to gain some additional qualifications or retrain. The main question that needs answering is - what do I actually want to be when I grow up? Study what? Retrain as what? 

So, Mr G has his back to work training today. It shouldn't take too long, it will just be a refresher I should imagine. He starts back to work tomorrow. It was a double whammy because we weren't expecting it until at least the 12th of April. But framed in a positive light, it's a step in the right direction to regaining some of the freedoms we have all lost, even if we choose not to take advantage of those freedoms in future. 

I saw this on Facebook and it made me giggle. Although we had a 3 and 3.5 lb loss this week, god knows how because for the latter half of the week, from vaccination day, it wasn't pretty. Not at all. Group isn't opening until the 25th, I believe, so that's a further delay, so I'm going to have to stop doing that nonsense. Especially now so that Mr G is back in work, that means an end to our daily long walks, although we will have to make a concerted effort to take a couple on his days off. That's me back on the treadmill for the foreseeable.