Sunday, 16 July 2017

Family WTF - Part Deux

Some more WTF moments for you, I don't know how this one passed me by earlier. I have little snippets typed away on whatever word document is open at the time. There's probably loads of forgotten gems on this computer.

Original Source Tea Tree and Mint shower gel. You'd have to have been living under a rock not to know of it, and its... er... side effects. Particularly on genitalia. Male, female, it shows no discrimination, and seemingly, little mercy.

Cut to our recent break away at the in laws. Ryan takes a shower. And my husband, in his infinite wisdom, he who actually likes the... tingle of said shower gel (sadist), had only packed that. It was that, or my Raspberry and Vanilla shower gel. 'Just use mine' said Mr G. And so he did. Poor, poor Ryan.

And so our story starts off in Wigan. Approximately 9 am.

Ryan: Dad? You know that green shower gel? I'm burning.

Mr G: Yeah. It does that.

Didn't think anything more of it. Cue a (no doubt) very uncomfortable two hour car ride home. And then, at 9.30 pm, he comes downstairs and says...

Ryan: Mum? You know how when you eat spicy food, milk helps?

Me: Yes.

Ryan: Will dunking my testicles into a glass of milk help to ease the pain? They're still red...

Me: Oh my God, really?

Ryan: Yes.

Adam: Noted. I'll stick to my Lynx...

Ryan: Are there chillies in it?

Me: Not as I know of.

Ryan: The pain won't go away and it's testicling my patience.

And soooooooo I showed him that he wasn't alone in his struggle. In particular one article. And when he read the words...

“MY FLAPS WERE ON F***ING FIRE, Tingling? TINGLING? This wasn’t tingling my minge. It was starting a f***ing bush fire down there.”

... he lost it, and laughed and laughed and laughed.  Ryan now sticks to Lynx, also. Lesson learned.



And speak of the devil and he shall appear. As I type...

Ryan: Mum, imagine you were a flamingo.

Me: *blank*

Ryan: And you had pins and needles or your leg went numb.

Me: *blank*

Ryan: Because flamingos, they stand like this *stands on one leg*

Me: Go away. Please. Just go away.



Yesterday, I excelled myself in my sloppiness. A totally clean t shirt ruined within thirteen seconds of starting to eat my lunch. Rounded off with a healthy dollop of my tea. Mr G just sat watching me eat, shaking his head in bemusement...

Mr G: It is comedy gold watching you eat. You'd get less food down you, eating soup with a sieve.

He's found me a bib... which proudly proclaims '99 Problems but a Bib ain't one'.

Anyone know a good divorce lawyer?



Family WTF...

It's not easy being me sometimes.

In bed, discussing an... interesting... debate between Mr G and someone on a Facebook group that he's an admin on. By debate, I mean that a lunatic engaged with Mr G, and Mr G duly obliged...

Mr G: You know what, if they are actually able to read your private messages on these social networking sites, I bet that Martin Huckleburger is pissing himself laughing...

Me: What???  Who?

Mr G: Martin Huckleburger. The man who made Facebook.

Me: Er... Mark Zuckerberg?

Mr G: That's him.

Right. Because a twenty something billionaire has nothing better to do of an evening than trawl through private messages for shits and giggles...?


Adam has had sex education. I cannot repeat what was said there... not in print anyway. Somehow he managed to get Michael Jackson involved though. Don't. Ask.


Getting the washing in the other night before it rained, Mr G was smugly surveying his garden. He nodded towards the wooden planter that he'd scattered random seeds in.

Mr G: The flowers that will grow in there, are meant to attract cauliflowers.

Me: ...

Mr G: (quickly) Butterflies...


Talking with the children about all the acts we've seen live since we've been together...

Me: Jay Z. Kylie three times. Simply Red. The Beat.

Mr G: Cheryl Cole. (Sigh) Cheryl Cole...

Me: Kasabian.

Mr G: Incy Wincy Spider.

Me: Beg pardon?

Mr G: Incy Wincy Spider. Big Weekend?

Me: Tinie Tempah?

Mr G: That's him.


Adam and Ryan falling out spectacularly at the rugby a few months ago.

Adam: Ryan? I'll RKO you, you d*ckhead.

(I couldn't tell him off for laughing. I know you shouldn't, but it caught me off guard. I then had to Google what RKO was. And then laughed some more).


Ryan: Dad? Are tattoos like... paint? Or sewing?

Mr G: *snort*

Cait: What???

Ryan: Are tattoos like paint, or sewing?

Cait: It's ink! Bellend! (storms off)


Mr G and I having a cuddle and a kiss in the kitchen. Ryan walks in.

Ryan: I don't like where this is going.


Asking Ryan whether he took French or German in school...

Ryan: Both.

Me: Oh! We only took one in the first few years. Which language do you prefer? French or German?

Ryan: I don't know.

Me: Which one do you find easier?

Ryan: Probably German, because of all the Hitler memes.

Me: ...



Morphine moments...

Mr G: My eyelids are moving...


Mr G: My eyes are spinning...


Mr G: (completely randomly, out of the blue) Ha! That's something you've never heard. This Government talking about emigration.

Me: What??

Mr G: What? I didn't say anything.


Mr G: I'm going to bed.

Me: Ok. You go up. I'll just tidy up down here, lock up and I'll be up.

Five minutes later, Mr G appears in the hallway and scares me

Me: Jesus! You scared me. I thought you'd gone upstairs?

Mr G: I am.

Me: Er, clearly you're not?


Mr G: Where are my glasses?

Me: You're wearing them.

Mr G: Oh. I thought it was odd that I couldn't find them.


And a nice retro one for you all. A couple of years ago, my Dad, Mr G, my eldest son and I went to the cinema to watch The Inbetweeners Movie.  Driving home, my father imparts this gem...

Dad: That'll be you in a few years, Dan. You and your mates abroad, in one of those froth discos

Dan: Huh?

Me: Foam party, Dan. Foam party.


I'm surrounded by imbeciles :-)

If this is Summer, why is my heating on?

Time has flown by so quickly since my last post. I always start each year with the best of intentions. Every recipe I make, I forget to post about it. Everywhere I go, I've been a bit apathetic lately about taking photographs. Every book I read, I haven't been putting down in my Goodreads challenge for 2017. There seems to be no ooomph about me of late. The whole nation seems deflated after elections and the terror attacks on our country. I need to pull my finger out. As does Summer.

The summer holidays are imminent, and we have no plans of note. Mr G is on the list for another shoulder operation, and he is down as urgent. His specialist said that her 'urgent' was a month, but the decision wasn't ultimately hers, and it could be the hospital's definition of 'urgent', which was up to three months. He is also (finally) seeing his Gastrointestinal surgeon in the middle of August. So it's just as well that we didn't book a holiday for our usual dates, as we would have been away for that appointment. We can't even book any camping in advance, in case he gets a date for surgery while we're away. All we can do, is sit and wait now, and make the best of things closer to home. And if we don't get to go away this Summer, then we'll see if we can book a nice week away near Christmas in Corwen or thereabouts, like we did last year. 

We do have a couple of things to look forward to. Some rugby for starters. After a fantastic home draw against second place Whitehaven last week at Queensway (anyone would have thought we'd won the game, how we were celebrating!), North Wales Crusaders are away at Coventry today (I'll be watching on the YouTube live stream!).

How we do away matches

The league then splits into two, so we'll know when the results are in where we are for the League 1 Shield, whether we get the home advantage or not. Cru last won this in 2013, and if we carry on playing as we have done so far this season, we should have a good crack at it! I can't wait to find out what the fixtures are, I'm getting a bit twitchy now, not knowing when I get my fix again and see our lovely rugby family. We've made some really good friends there in Wrexham, they've really welcomed us and made us feel at home. Sometimes I wish it was home, it would make the journey home easier, and the shops are better. And my new favourite chippy is there (The Caia Fryer, in case you're interested). But I digress.


Selfie!

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to curb my visits to the Wrexham Lager bar as I'm low carb-ing again, or rather, low carb, gluten free-ing again. You know I've got a problem with the stuff when the barman has already poured my pint as I'm walking up to the bar. Hundreds of people there, hundreds of customers, but no. It's my face that he remembers... *eyeroll* That stuff is lethal, I'm not usually a big lager fan, but I swear, I could drink that stuff all day long. And typically, now that I can't drink it, both our local Asda and Morrisons have started stocking it? Thanks for that. Ah well, there's always the summer barbecue. I might relent and have a couple of bottles then. If I'm not having bread, then I'm having beer. The plus side is that a low carb diet makes you a complete lightweight and an incredibly cheap date when it comes to having a drink. Two glasses of red wine and I'm anyone's lately. Well, not anyone's, but you know what I mean... 

We are meeting up with our friends from Norwich next weekend, which will be lovely, I can't believe they've nearly been married a year! A year since the Wedding on a Train! We have also got a mucky overnighter away from the children a week tomorrow, when Mr G and I go to watch Sister Act in Manchester! (Thanks M&A). Really looking forward to that and crossing something else off my 40 before 40 list. The in laws are also down next week for their summer visit.

Adam is going into his last week in Primary School. He's ready for Secondary School now. I've transferred my daughter from the local Secondary School, and she starts Ysgol Friars in Bangor in September, she has her look around the school on Tuesday. With hindsight now, I wish I had put all my children there from the start. There were enough red flags about how useless and inept the local Secondary was from when my eldest son attended. It's just getting worse and worse, and I hope that in time, all the children will end up in Friars, but it's ultimately their choice. It's their education, not mine, and if they're happy where they are, then it's not for me to move them.




In other news, my biggest kid and smallest kid went to Nantporth to see the Champions League trophies and have their photos taken.



We had a lovely day out here, had some lunch and took some gorgeous photographs. I'd never been to the Priory before.

Bangor (Garth) Pier taken from Anglesey

And we still spend an awful lot of time on here, Garth Pier. It's probably one of our favourite places in the world. We've decided that when we go, we're getting cremated and scattered over the Pier. And then whoever is left has to come and visit, with fish and chips. Just how we do in real life, like. You know how it is.

Mr G fangirling Brian Noble (with obligatory photobomber in between)

There's probably more. But that's all you're getting for now ;-) I'm off to sort out the WTF moments from my family for my next post. Mr G has been on FORM. That's all I'm saying.