Garden

I don't know if it's the weather or what, but my summer spurt has finally kicked in. I've really had to give myself a good talking to and put things into perspective. The way I was handling this lockdown really wasn't healthy, mentally. I needed to harness some of the energy and drive that I faced the first week with, you know, the 'this is just the first week of the summer break' attitude. Instead, I have been functioning on a very basic level. Cooking. Groundhog Day chores (dishes, washing, recycling, vacuuming). Sitting down and staring at BBC news for three hours before the evening passes in such a blur that it's bedtime. 

I have experienced boredom, but that is one hundred per cent my own choice and my own fault. I have no right to complain that I am bored. What I mean is, I don't want to do the myriad of things that I have available to me to do. Whether it's the mundane, like cleaning out a cupboard, or the exciting, like... well, you know. Cleaning out a cupboard. But either way, I am in no position to complain. 

I'm at home, with my husband and my children. My husband has been lucky enough to be furloughed on his full contracted pay, not just the 80% - which in itself would have been a godsend. His company are paying all staff the additional 20% of their contracted hours. How amazing is that? With the exception of food shopping - which is a strategically planned mission - we don't need to leave the house, ever. We can stay here and shield indefinitely. We are all healthy. We have a huge garden that we can sit in, relax in. We have access to new music, television shows, films and books at the click of a button. We have food. We have toilet roll. We are so, so privileged.

I have close friends who have lost loved ones during this lockdown. One lost her father in law to Covid-19. Another lost her mother and was unable to see her in the weeks leading to her passing, as she was in a nursing home. A neighbour of mine was killed in a traffic accident. Arranging a funeral at the best of times is heart rending enough, but during this? Where the celebration of life is so muted, where you can't get to say your goodbyes, not even at the graveside in so many cases, because we're now limited in numbers by law? I just wanted to go and see my friend who lost her mother, take her a home cooked meal, a bunch of flowers, give her a huge hug (and I don't do hugs) but I couldn't, even though she only lives about two miles from me. I did manage to source the florist to do the funeral flowers for her, because of course, all the florist shops are shut. I've told her that I am there for her at the end of the phone, if she needs me. But it's not the same, is it? 

Another friend of mine has been drafted in to work in ITU and is terrified, she works in theatre ordinarily (that's operating, not musical), so she has had to be trained up in how to use ventilators. The area she lives and works in has been hit really hard with the virus, too. I'm really, really worried about her. My best friend, despite her job being in fashion retail, and that part of the business shutting, the company also own food retail outlets too, and she has been moved there. I'm worried about her too, because she is asthmatic, and I think she should be tucked up at home safe and sound. I think those working in supermarkets and food retail need much more recognition. Think of how many people they're coming into contact with, daily? And it's every single person that their customer has been in contact with in the weeks previously too. I only need to see one person being nasty, irritable or rude to anyone in a supermarket and I will personally tear them a new arsehole. I mean it. 

I can see by my Facebook feed that this is impacting on the mental health of my friends, too. 

One friend who is usually reasonably quiet on Facebook is posting articles, memes and the like all day long. All day long. It's like this is taking over her life. Another friend who is usually very active on Facebook isn't posting as much. I know she's isolating alone, she is single, childless, but has a very large social circle. I messaged her to check if she was ok and she admitted that she was struggling being away from people, and also worried about her elderly parents.

So, perspective this week. Perspective, as to just how bloody lucky I am. I am not stuck at home, I am safe at home with a man who loves me, respects me and doesn't raise his voice to me let alone anything else - I read today that sixteen women have been murdered in DV incidents in the last few weeks. My children haven't once kicked off, or moaned or complained. In fact, two of the three have been more than happy to chip in. One has been more than happy to stay up all night and sleep all day, and if that's how he wants to get through this, then that is his way of coping and I respect that. It's not impacting on his life, or his education, is it? 

I have wonderful, wonderful friends, who think the world of me (for some reason) and I am trying to be there for them, trying to gauge which ones need me, and which ones need me to shut the fuck up right now. But I hope they all know I am only a phone call, or text, or email away. 

I worry about those who are no longer a part of my life; those I have cut out of my life, those who have cut me out of theirs. I wonder how I would feel if something happened to them. I wonder how they would feel if something happened to me. I wonder what I would do if they reached out to me right now, and I think I would probably be the most accommodating and open to forgiving and forgetting right now than I have ever been in my life? 

Because life is too short, isn't it? Bloody hell. But despite all that, I know I won't be the one reaching out to anyone this time. Despite the regrets, the fear of rejection is worse. 

I want to come out of this ready to face the world. Do a little travelling. Spend more time with my family and friends. Do things that I love. I know these are things I say repeatedly but there's nothing like a pandemic to really drive that point home. Tell people you love them, make sure they stay safe, and make plans for when this is all over. 

Yesterday, my beauty of a daughter did some garden work. She planted some seeds, and she gave some TLC to Mr G's weathervane that hung on the summer house. We bought it from the old guy on Bangor Pier, Alan, and of course, over the years it has faded. She very carefully reapplied the writing, and then varnished it with clear varnish. She did such a good job, too.

  

I'm going to try and cheer all my friends up with a little surprise over these next few weeks. Just something small and within budget, because funds are running a leetle bit low right now, and we don't know how, or when we will be paid with this furlough, it's all new to everyone so no doubt it isn't going to be plain sailing. My friend who lost her mother, a friend who sells Body Shop is making up a pamper hamper for her, so I think there's about five or six of us who have donated towards that. And for my ITU friend, myself and another friend, we have sent her some Monty Bojangles chocolates and a card from Thortful (do check them out) telling her that she is a 'F**king NHS Legend'. She is very sweary, so I think she'll appreciate that! 

Off to do some more clearing, weeding and staining. Stay safe...