Friday, 17 July 2015

Summer, Soleros, Slings and... Sex Ed?

Well, life occurred and has gone on before and after the medical madness.  Firstly.  Could it be?  Is Summer finally here?  Mr G was in Peter Kay mode, winding me up in shops by bantering with the shop assistants - 'Ooooh it's warm.  Sticky!  It's sticky!  (Flaps neck of his T shirt)  I'm sweating cobs!  It's clammy...  Moist.  It's moist!' while I'm trying to keep a straight face and not cringe with embarrassment.  Never a dull moment, but seriously, if he doesn't stop doing it, I'll shove a Solero where the sun doesn't shine. 

Mr G had an endoscopy.  That didn't show up the cause of the issues he's been having (Oh yes!  More issues than Hello magazine, this man!) and so they want him to have a barium meal (yuk...) and also a tube put up his nose and down his throat and left for 24 hours.  I don't know why, the least I know about these things the better, because I am uber squeamish.  Which is ironic given the amount of nursing I have had to do for the last seven or eight years.  Yesterday, he received a letter from the hospital, so at his request I opened it.  An appointment in the ultrasound clinic for the 29th of July.  He groaned and asked me to phone them up to check what it was for.  And yes!  It's a steroid injection (guided by ultrasound) into his ankle!  Joys!

I thought that the time when Adam came home from school proclaiming that he was going to be playing the trumpet couldn't be topped.  I was, naturally, as usual, wrong.  When, on Tuesday Ryan came home proclaiming...

Ryan:  Mum!  Mum!  We're going on a rib ride.  Oh, and having sex education tomorrow...

I don't know if I was more terrified of my son going out on a rib ride on the Menai Straits, or the fact that he was learning about the birds and the bees.  Who am I kidding.  The sex education won hands down.
He came in from school.  Pottered around.  I decided to get it over with and asked him what he had learned.  Bear in mind that Ryan doesn't do embarrassment.  Whether it's the autism, or whether it's just because the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree and he has absolutely no shame, just like Mama...

Me:  Soooooooooooooooo.  Ryan.  Did you learn anything today that you didn't already know?
Ryan:  Yes.  Before, I used to think that you made babies by the man, sticking his penis into the woman's butt... but now I know that the man sticks his penis into the woman's, you know... penis.

And he turned on his heel and walked away.  What the... what?  Well, I had to leave the room and shut the door behind me.  I couldn't breathe for laughing, and I couldn't see for tears. 

Adam broke his wrist.  Trying to avoid play fighting with one of his friends.  Ironically, had he just play-fought, he probably wouldn't have done it.  So, last Wednesday night, Mr G had to take him to Casualty.  There was a two hour wait.  They passed through Triage, waited their turn for the X Ray, and all the while, despite being in a bit of pain, Adam was almost willing himself to have broken a bone, so that he could have a cast on.  Apparently he moidered Mr G for about an hour, that if he had broken it, could he have a blue plaster cast.  Mr G told him that if there was blue as an option, yes.  So, Adam is X Rayed, he's definitely broken his wrist and is taken to the plaster room.  The nurse asked him what colour cast he wants.  He umms and aahs, and the nurse goes through all the colours; Red, Yellow, Camouflage, Pink, Navy, Green, Black, White... and Adam decides to have red.  Mr G asked him if he was sure.  He'd been going on for ages about wanting blue. Adam is determined.  He wants red.

So when Mr G gets home, he's relaying this tale to me.  Adam pipes up from nowhere...

Adam:  I chose red because there wasn't any blue.
Mr G:  Yes there was.
Adam:  No, there wasn't.
Mr G:  There was, Adam.
Adam:  Dad, there wasn't.  There was red.  Yellow.  Camouflage.  Pink.  Navy Green, Black...
Mr G:  Whoa!  Navy Green?  Did you really just say the words Navy Green?  She said Navy.  Comma.  Green.  Two separate colours?
Adam:  Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... Right.
Me:  Tit.  

Ryan completed his two day 'initiation' up at high school.  Caitlin, although just 12 months older than him is two school years ahead of him, and she promised me that she would take him under her wing because - and I quote - 'all my friends are weird too' (small mercies...).  He came home on the first day having made a new friend, which was wonderful to hear.  We're really worried about how he'll take to and be taken to up there.  Considering how many people these days are affected by ASD, some children can be really cruel, and as a parent, it's heartbreaking.

Now that (hopefully!) Mr G's medication has been sorted out and he'll be relatively pain free I can breathe easy and look forward to the Summer holidays.  And I am really looking forward to them this year, let me tell you!  I need the rest, I am absolutely shattered.  Mr G booked us a fortnight in Devon last year on a whim, not knowing or suspecting he'd be having these two operations this year.  So, it will be leaning towards more R&R this time, as opposed to walking over 100 miles and packing as much into two weeks as possible.  I've been doing my bit (yes, lists) and planning as much of our holiday as possible before we leave.  We've been to so many of the touristy places that we don't need to go to again, some are too expensive to justify, some we didn't get round to doing the last three times, and some that we did the first time, we'd like to do again.  A lot of the places, if you book your tickets online in advance have a significant discount, which - when you're paying for six people, three being adults, is a huge reduction when you're doing it five or six times over the holiday.  One of our favourite days out that we've had in Devon was Paignton Zoo.  We all really enjoyed it, and four years has passed since we visited, so we want to go back again.  Looking online, you can buy a double ticket for Paignton Zoo and Living Coasts in Torquay (where we haven't been) with a decent discount.  I've signed up for a discount code for the local cinema, and found out when the cheap children's films are shown, so we can all go and watch a film on a Sunday morning for about £12.  We'll pack the body boards, and fishing nets, and picnic hampers and spend some time on the beach.  I've got a word document of different lists, from clothes to what bits we need to buy to days out, and although everyone likes to mock me and my lists, we'd be financially worse off and wasting a lot of time without them ;-).

Then hopefully we can get a four or five day camping trip to Llangollen in at the end of August, before we try and slip back into a routine of early morning madness and getting a completely clueless 20 year old ready for University and living alone.  Budgeting.  God help him.  'Do I use this face cloth to dry my plate?'.  Yes, but it's called a tea towel... I'll give him a year before he's back.

And then it'll be Christmas before we know it.  Happy Days!

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