The only 'cure' is pain relief, and none of it was working, as usual. Morphine, Tramadol, Codeine, Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. Lather, rinse, repeat... He was telling the Doctors, Nurses, his Consultant and his Registrars, the Health Care Assistants, the Cleaners, the Porters, the woman that comes with the newspapers and soft drinks on a trolley... that not only was this pain relief not working on the Pancreas thing (as it shall furthermore be known) but aside from that he was already in constant daily pain, debilitating pain, and had been for over 18 months since 'The Gallbladder Chronicles'. Taking pain killer upon pain killer that - for what relief they provided, he may as well pop M&M's. Which he does as well anyway, but still. Finally, somebody, I don't know who because he has spoken to so many people over the course of this last six days, but somebody listened to him. Somebody took him seriously. They sent in 'The Pain Team', which, you have to admit, sounds pretty cool.
In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't... ah, wait. Wrong team. Speaking of wrong teams... (See what I did there? Seamless...)
Mr G High on Drugs #1
Mr G: So, the Doctor said he's referring me to the Time Team.
Me: Cool. Be nice waking up to find Baldrick at the foot of your bed. Waiting to excavate your hole...
Speaking of excavating holes... (I'm on fire tonight...) - not for the faint hearted...
Mr G High on Drugs #2
Mr G: (ranting) I've had four fingers shoved up my bum. What for? Hmmmm? What the hell for? Hasn't eased my pain, has it? Hasn't achieved anything, has it? Well, except for giving me a bloody hard on when he found my G Spot...
Me: FOUR FINGERS?? Stephen, that wasn't a rectal examination, sweetheart, that was sexual assault. That's one digit off a fisting...
Mr G High on Drugs #3
Mr G: I've had morphine and I've had tramadol. But the thing is, they're still giving me bloody cyanide. No, not cyanide... Pastry! No, it's not pastry either. What word am I looking for?
Mr G: Paracetamol.
Soooooooo. The Pain Team arrived, and Mr G proceeded to tell them in great detail about how crappy his quality of life has become. That even a supermarket trip can leave him couch bound for days. That nothing at all alleviates the pain. And that it had started to affect his mental health, being left to just look at four walls most days. He told them that the famous five analgesics didn't work for him, with the exception of the morphine, which only 'works' because it makes him sleep through the pain. He said he didn't want to spend his life sleeping to avoid the pain. He said that surely, in this day and age of modern medicine, there was more on offer than just those five? Long story short, yes. Yes there is. He has been put on two new drugs. One is one of those dual purpose drugs, primarily an epilepsy medication but it's good for blocking nerve pain too. The other one, is a drug that he absolutely cannot ingest any alcohol with. We're not just talking beer here, but mouthwash, even food? He cannot have a piece of fruitcake with whisky in. My homemade steak and ale pie... I asked what the worst case scenario was if he did, and it appears to be death. I checked up on this. And yes, death ranks pretty high up on the list of 'What's the worst that could happen?' if alcohol now enters his system. So, quite serious then.
He started his new course of treatment, and a few hours later I got this...
Mr G High on Drugs #4
Don't ask. I couldn't tell you. But, the most important thing is... no pain! Halle-bloody-lujah! It's early days yet. The team looking after him were happy for him to come home today, but the Pain Team wanted him to stay in an extra day to be observed on the new tablets. If he keeps on keepin' on then he should be home tomorrow! And he could be home, pain free, for the first time in so long that I can't even remember the last time he was 'ok'. I get my husband back. Even if he's going to be a little bit addled. And that means more to me than anything. So, it looks like the disaster we envisaged turned out to be a blessing in disguise after all :-) *happy dance complete with jazz hands*