Monday, 3 March 2014

Mr G gets an anal probe

My husband is in hospital.  Again.  I say it like it's a regular occurrence because it is.  From the moment he moved here in 2001, he has spent a great deal of time in hospital.  Debris from the foundry in his eye.  A blister on the sole of his foot became infected.  An operation to remove a lump from his testicle.  An infection after that operation.  An operation to remove a cyst from his eye.  Several stays with suspected cardiac problems.  An angiogram.  An infection on the angio wound.  An infection then - believe it or not - in his hand where the canula went to treat the infection... and this then happened in the other hand, when the drip had to go there, to treat the second infection.  An operation to remove haemorrhoids.  He severely damaged his ankle and had to have the ligaments repaired.  A year later it was apparent this hadn't worked, so he had another operation to have the ligaments reconstructed.  Months later he had surplus bone in his shoulder shaved away and his carpal tunnel done at the same time.  He's just had an MRI scan and is seeing a Neurologist because he's been battling crippling headaches for months.  Some point during all this he contracted MRSA - we still can't get a straight answer as to when exactly... and now.  They think he has a problem with his gallbladder and/or gallstones.   Yay!

He's on a drip at the moment, fluids and pain relief, in Accident and Emergency. 

He's in there.  Somewhere...

They don't know if they'll send him home - get this - with a letter, to take to his GP, to refer him for a scan.  To the hospital he is in now.  Now, is it just me?  Or... would the easiest thing - for everyone really - be to do it there and then?  While he's there and in pain?  Not make him come home, in pain, telephone battle at 8 am to get an appointment with our GP, for our GP to send him to the hospital for a scan?  

Anyway.  He's in good spirits because he just texted me this:

Mr G:  They asked me for a stool and urine sample, so I just gave them my underpants...

The anal probe...

Yesterday he went to the out of hours Doctors in the hospital.   He came home looking a little... subdued?

Me:  How are you, baby?

Mr G:  I've been violated anally.  How was your morning?

I laughed, which in turn made him laugh, which was very painful.  Which made me laugh even more.

Mr G:  She asked me on a scale of one to ten, how bad the pain was?  I told her 'worse than childbirth'.  In retrospect, I now realise that I should have kept that opinion to myself, or at least until after she'd shoved her finger up my ass.  'Wiggle your toes Mr Grundy!  You're not relaxed enough!'

So, once more it's a 'wait and see' thing.  I have a pile of stuff on the bed just in case, pyjamas, soap, towel etc.  Although I think in his case it might be wisest to have a bag permanently packed in the wardrobe?  Like expectant mothers have?


  1. As I was suffering in hospital, ALONE with a trainee Dr having 6 attempts to take blood from me, repeatedly apologising whilst discarding another needle, you, yes YOU was happily blogging about my misfortune, Thank you very much. Not only that but disclosing my anal probe. I'm sure she had a ring on her finger, well she did- MINE... So the next time you want a massage on your poorly back I will download an app for you cos I will be busy loading my sat-nag for my next visit to hospital.

    1. Stephen - the only reason we are still married is because you are such good blog fodder. Were you not, I'd have divorced you or more likely killed you by now. Because let's face it, you're neither use nor ornament at the moment, you make stupid noises in your sleep, your hands twitch when you're going to sleep, you tie up crisp packets into birds after eating them. You insult my head size. There are many, many things about you that drive me crazy. And I don't mean in a sexual way.

  2. Awww Mr.G, having given birth twice, I feel your pain (said without a hint of sarcasm...honest) I ASSume this was your first experience?? In Shell's defence perhaps she thought it would be a quick 'in and out' job so to speak? ;-) xx

    1. Oh. My. God. Dying... and crying #tearsofsheermirth

      I have no idea, Netty, as to whether it was his first experience? I am sure he will be only too happy to 'fill in the holes' in that particular story, and I am sure he will enlighten us all upon waking ;-)

      Most perfect blog comment. Ever. Thank you ;-) x

  3. Surprisingly not Netty, you ASSume wrong, it was infact my 6th anal probe (all for medical purposes, nothing kinky or enjoyable) with the worst 1 being probed by a female Dr (with fingers like bananas wearing a sovereign ring, which I think she left inside) >.<

    Although...Dr Thomas excelled himself prior to that told me to drop my pants and hop up onto the bed. I wouldn't mind, I had gone to see him with a sore throat. unless they had shoved my tonsils up my arse upon removing them I dont know what he was looking for?


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