Weird, Emotional one: Part 1

Wow. What a couple of weeks we've had. Total emotional rollercoaster.  

On Saturday night, I found out that a former friend of mine, Karen, passed away in mid March this year. Not just an old friend, specifically a former friend, we no longer spoke. But she was one of my best friends for a long, long time. We were so close that she was a bridesmaid at my first wedding, my witness at my wedding to Mr G, and my daughter's godmother. Sort of (long story). We had been friends since we met in college in Manchester back in 1993, when I happened to mention to the tutor that I came from Anglesey and she piped up 'So do I!'. We lost touch when I ended up having to leave the shared student house I lived in (another long story). When my son was born in 1995, I took him to meet my great aunt, just before she passed away. Whilst there, I picked up her photo cube, and who did I spot, but my friend and her siblings. I asked my great aunt how she knew her, and it turns out that my friend's grandmother was her sister in law. I asked if she knew her contact details and she said she would try and find out but, sadly, she passed just weeks later.

A few months later, I was shopping and who was on the checkout serving me, but Karen. I told her about the weird family coincidence, we swapped details again and our friendship resumed. Shortly after, she found out that she was pregnant, and I supported her through that. I went with her for her scans. In time she moved to another part of the city and I was reliant on my ex for lifts there, but we stayed in touch by phone. When I moved back home, she would come and see me every time she was visiting her family and friends here. 

Our friendship broke down in 2008. I don't know whether she changed over the years, whether I changed, or whether we both changed. I know we all change in time, but so dramatically? Was I imagining that she used to be so nice and chilled out back in the day? Wondering, actually, was I always a doormat? Did she always speak so critically of/to me - just that back then I let it wash over me, and as I got older, I became less tolerant and decided nope? And this is going to bug me for the rest of my life. What exactly was the truth of the situation? 

I don't want to speak ill of her, especially now that she isn't here any more, but I reached my limit with the friendship, and it takes a lot for me to do that with someone. Towards the end, I had told her twice, very firmly, that I found the things she said and did insulting, and she apologised and said that she hadn't realised I'd felt like that, nor that she'd made me feel like that. But she still did it again. Whatever the final straw was, I can't even remember now, apart from the fact that it was something trivial. But once I've reached that point with someone, and I decide we're done, then we're done. If I cut you out of my life, if you've had your second or even third chance, then there is no going back, no calming down, no regrets. 

I didn't want our friendship to end so dramatically, so finally; you know how friends just drift apart sometimes and it's mutual. And you don't really give a crap, either of you. But there's no falling out, no hard feelings, and you might still send a Christmas card or the occasional text. A reciprocal like on a new profile picture on Facebook. But I knew there could be no drifting apart here, she didn't have a problem with our friendship. I did. And I was done, like stick a fork in me done. 

Harsh, harsh words were exchanged. I wasn't deliberately hurtful, I was honest. Every last thing that I had bottled up inside me, everything that I had let pass, every transgression, literally everything that I had bit my tongue about for years, just exploded out of me in one go. She told me that she would be prepared to 'forgive' me for the things that I said, but I would need to apologise to her. I was never going to apologise for speaking my truth and finally standing up for myself, plus, I didn't want her forgiveness, because I knew that would mean an inevitable restart to the friendship. We'd reached an impasse that I knew neither of us would ever back down from and the relief I felt was immense. 

When I found out that she had passed away, I was shocked. I still am, truth be told. I don't have the right to be upset, but she was such a pivotal part of my life for such a long time that I can't help but think about it and about her. She supported me through marriage, divorce and then remarriage. She was unbelievably kind to me at times, unbelievably so. But unfortunately - and this goes for anyone - it only takes one unkindness, or slight, or insult to cancel out ten instances of kindness. And after the final years of our friendship crumbling, it wasn't the kindness that I remembered, but the passive aggressiveness. The backhanded compliments (and insults) delivered with a sweet voice and a smile. Apparently I was quite pretty for a big girl. Who knew. What on earth are you meant to say to that? Thanks hun? I wish I could remember how I responded to that, but knowing me back then, I probably did bloody thank her for telling me I was fat and moderately attractive! 

Do I regret what happened? Of course. I wish that we could have stayed the same people that we were in the early nineties. But given that we weren't, if I could turn the clock back, I would have to do exactly the same thing again. I feel sad that our friendship ended how it did, but there was no other option. It's sad that we couldn't just drift apart and still remain friends but no longer friends. But in the end, the time I spent with her was wrecking my self confidence and my self esteem, and I had to put a stop to it.

So I think it's only natural that I've done a lot of soul searching these past few days. Because this could be one of those times that we're warned about. If there's someone you love that you're out of touch with, or fallen out with and it can be resolved, then don't leave it too late, because one day, it will be too late. Make things right today, not tomorrow, or next week. We're not getting to our seventies and eighties any more, we're dropping like bloody flies in our forties and fifties - and that's without a pandemic in the mix. She was just a few months older than me. I've had to sit and think as to whether this could have been one of these times, and I've come to the conclusion that, no. There was no resolution to this. I don't make a point of falling out with people. I detest conflict, I hate hurting people to the point that I'm prepared to be hurt myself rather than speak out and cause an argument. Until a line is crossed. And a line was crossed. It's not just romantic relationships that can become toxic, family connections can be, friendships can too, and sadly, that's what this was at the end. 

I don't know how she passed, whether she was ill, and I'm unlikely to ever know now. I just hope that she didn't suffer and that she's at peace, wherever she is.